Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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