Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
