Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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