If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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