I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
