Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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