It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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