I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
