i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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