His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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