Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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