yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
50% drunk capacity currently
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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