Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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