I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
