Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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