Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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