So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
