listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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