I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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