I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
