You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
