Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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