either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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