Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I smell stomach acid.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
