The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
