you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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