i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
