YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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