You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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