If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
