omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
