What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
