To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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