My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
