I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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