wakey wakey hands off snakey
my phone needs a breathalizer
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
