You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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