dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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