the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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