Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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