We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
