I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
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He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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