He asked me if I "almost moaned"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
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Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
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I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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