Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
