I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
