So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
