Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
