matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize