Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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