watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
