Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
