There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
