I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
