I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
