How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She's the barista slut.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
