If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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