ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
