Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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