Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
