he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
