I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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