This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
