hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
