someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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